Top 10 Thursday: 5 Reasons Why I Am Too Hard On Myself

by TaylorR

Happy Thursday. The work week is almost over and the Mt. In The Middle Race is right around the corner. Since this will be my first trail run, I have no idea of what to expect but I am pretty excited.

Especially since I get to run it with these two lovely ladies! Both of who are on Team Taylor’s Swifts (we will be #teamtaylorsswifts for Twitter) for the Palmetto70!

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Jeanette… it’s not too late to sign up :) 

With my goal to run a race every single month this year, I finally decided on my race for February! But I’ll reveal that later.

For now, let’s turn our attention away from running and on to something even better… ME. Just kidding.

But seriously, as you can tell from the title it is going to be a selfish post. Why? Because for most women, we are our own worst enemies. I am not different and I just hope that by getting a lot of this off my chest will:

  1. Calm me down and set me in a more positive direction.
  2. You can relate, and say… “Cool, other women feel this way too.”

So without further ado, may I present to you:

The Top 5 Ways I Beat Myself Up
(Next Week Will Be The Other 5 Cont’d)

I’m not fit enough.

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As a trainer, pseudo-athlete and healthy living blogger I feel a lot of pressure to look a certain part. I see several of my fellow trainers and bloggers and often feel the comparison monster come out.

Often these ideas and doubts pop through my head:

“Do I look as in shape as I am?”

“Why does it look like I have a gut in my Youtube video?”

“Do I look like a “trainer”, runner, strength enthusiast”?

These are just a few. And even though I know I am in shape, I always feel the pressure (put on by me) to look better.

soar-race-trophey

Am I the best?

I LOVE LOVE LOVE teaching my women’s boot camps and seeing my clients transform to get into fabulous shape. But I also want to always make that I am in the best shape. I never want them to think… “why come to boot camp, when I am in better shape and stronger than the trainer?”

Again, this has never been an issue brought up to me, but a purely self inflicted concern. So yes, I work my tush off to make sure that if Susie gets up to 5 pull-ups, I can do 7 pull-ups. I use it more for motivation than anything (and I do this on my own workouts, not during class).

Kelly Bundy Syndrome.

soft-ball-kindal

Before I reveal this one, please do not judge my parents. They are fabulous and I am thankful for the life they have given me.

Being the only blonde in my house as a kid had it’s ups and downs. People always complimented on my snow white hair and blue eyes.

On the downside, anytime I had a “dumb blonde” moment, my dad would quickly refer to me as Kelly Bundy (remember Married With Children).

I hated it, even as a 6-year old, and took it as an insult. So I worked my ass off to be a top notch student in school and earn the respect of being “smart”.

Not only was I the first to go to college in my entire family, but I graduated with honors. Sounds great, right?

When I got my first C in college (boo for Organic Chem), I broke down and burst into tears, thinking that I just ruined my changes to go to med school. Who does that!? You better believe it was the last C I ever made.

graduation-wu

Anyways… I have a complex of people assuming that I am a dumb blonde.

I’m the worst vegan ever. 

kindal-juice-smoothy

Believe it or not, I put a lot of pressure on myself with the food I eat. A lot of it comes because as a blogger, I want to show you how to live a healthy but fulfilling life.

But on the flip side, as a blogger, I often worry about disappointing you. I hate disappointing anyone… my friends, family, readers, husband, oh and myself.

If I cheat on my vegan lifestyle, will I be judged? Probably not… I hope not at least.

I decided to go vegan purely for the reason I feel great and I have such a better relationship with food. However, there are times when I want fish, cheese or ice cream.

I can’t tell you how many times I have passed up on food (not all the time) because I don’t want to let people down.

Dan tells me all the time I need to remember to focus on making me happy and not others… but that’s often easier said than done.

If I miss a workout, I’ll gain weight or regress in my fitness. 

This is something I have worked on for years. I am a big fan that the body needs rest from time to time after bursts of intense training. However, you will be hard pressed to ever find me taking time off from working out.

It’s purely mental and with a history of weight issues and exercise addiction, it is something I sometimes have to remind myself: rest is crucial to be healthy.

not at my biggest

This is NOT me at my heaviest, however it is my heaviest out of college. I was not happy. At all.

I know the importance of it, I teach it to my clients, yet I am disappointed in myself if I am not able to get my scheduled workouts in.

I will admit, that I have gotten better about this. If I miss a workout, I no longer panic or try to workout an extra day. I just breath, remind myself one day won’t kill me or my body and move on.

So that’s a wrap for this portion of Top 10. This could get so much deeper but I’ll bring the party back up! Next week, I will continue on with the final 5.

Seriously, this is a lot of stuff I have never talked about so I feel very “unexposed” I guess you could say.

But it feels great.

I am blessed to have such a wonderful community here! Because really, when I look back over my insecurities it comes down to a fear of missing out on life and worrying what others think of me. I gotta put my big girl panties on and move forward!

What is one thing you beat yourself up over?

Winner of the Two Moms In The Raw GiveAway: 

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Linda: Who said her favorite treats were granola bars! Linda,

Please email me your address at Taylorryan0406@gmail.com.

 

{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Robin January 24, 2013 at 8:01 am

It’s nice to hear you have someo f the same feelings I do. I’m just starting the ‘getting back to me’ fitness path. Lots of moments of self – doubt and feeling like I need to get in shape before I start doing things – how stupid is that????

Love your blogs!!!

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TaylorR January 24, 2013 at 8:54 am

Not stupid at all! Totally normal. Don’t limit yourself, know you are strong and go after what you want! Thanks for reading Robin.

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Amy Lauren January 24, 2013 at 8:11 am

Good luck with your next race! I have done a few trail races but don’t do them much- I prefer the road for so many reasons. I definitely think we can be too hard on ourselves sometimes, the personality that most runners, lifters, and athletes have is Type A anyway, and that probably contributes to it. Sometimes we just need to let go of expectations and have fun… and when I finally do, I usually do better and gain fitness :).

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TaylorR January 24, 2013 at 8:54 am

You are absolutely right Amy! I am Type A all the way which is a benefit and a negative. That is how I am approaching this weekend. I have nothing to prove except to myself other than that it’s all about having fun!

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April C. January 24, 2013 at 8:36 am

First I’d like to say I love you and Dan! As trainers I couldn’t ask for a greater couple to have as fitness Role Models.

It’s funny you posted this because the other night I had a dream about our trail race and it was me running in this huge circle and I stopped for some water and this guy pops out and asked me if I was running the race, I said “yes”, he said “WOW, you don’t even look like a runner!” That stems from me being so heavy for so long, not that I’m skinny now or want to be, I just want to be fit. I woke up with a huge amount of self-doubt about the race this weekend. I know that it was my insecurities speaking to me and trying to bring me down. But with all the training that y’all have given me I know without a doubt I’m going to give my all and more!

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TaylorR January 24, 2013 at 8:52 am

Thanks girl. We love you too! I can not express how impressed I am with you and how far you have come. This race is just one more milestone that you’ll accomplish and say, “wow, if I can do that what should I do next!?” Which if of course the Palmetto70! :)
See you bright and early Saturday morning!

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Brenda Hair January 24, 2013 at 8:57 am

Great post! Being real can be hard but the rewards are so great! I cried when I read your post!
Please remember that are an amazing person, and a great trainer!! Keep up the good work, and DON”T compare yourself to others! Be all that YOU can be, and that’s ENOUGH!

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TaylorR January 24, 2013 at 9:04 am

Thanks Brenda. That means a lot! Right back at you! xoxoxo.

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Suzanne January 24, 2013 at 9:43 am

I think most people who read this post will relate in some way to what you are saying…we all are our own worst enemies. I for one think you are amazing and DEDICATED! But its so important for those that love you to hear that you struggle with some of the same silly things we do. It makes you more real and reminds us that this lifestyle does not come easy to anyone…it does take hard work. And good Lord if you want to eat an ice cream every once in a while, I say do it. And if that makes someone think less of you because of that, THEY are the ones with issues! You are awesome and I know I am glad I found you!!!

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TaylorR January 24, 2013 at 9:46 am

Thanks Suzanne! Glad I found you! :)

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Stacey January 24, 2013 at 10:19 am

I always enjoy the information you put on here including the workouts. You seem like such a dedicted, smart woman and you are a great role model. On the flip side it is nice to hear you are just like many other women who think these thoughts about themselves. Thanks for your honesty; always refreshing!

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Stacey January 24, 2013 at 10:21 am

Oh and the one thing I beat myself up about is not pushing myself enough. I know I’m capable of more as I’ve put myself through it before. I’m aware of my slacking during workouts sometimes due to fatigue or just not being ‘in the mood’. I have finally come to terms with I just don’t care and I’m okay with that. When the time comes again for me to really care and be ready to push myself to the limit, I will and I know I will succeed just like I have before. It’s hard to just be sometimes and I’m happy I’m finally almost there.

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TaylorR January 24, 2013 at 10:32 am

Thanks Stacey! Yes, we are all alike (women) in the way we beat ourselves up. I love your outlook and you’re right, don’t beat yourself up over something that you’re not committed to. Life is short.

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Brandy January 24, 2013 at 11:37 am

Just do the best with what God gave you. Striving for excellence in all you do is a great characteristic but no one is perfect! Enjoy an ice cream cone on occassion and do it without guilt. That is freedom!

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TaylorR January 24, 2013 at 11:39 am

Thanks Brandy, you’re so right. And I might just take you up on the ice cream, at least when it warms up a bit!

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Heather January 24, 2013 at 11:54 am

You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I think Dan said it best. It’s about making yourself happy! You are a wonderful example. I’m really enjoying your bootcamps. I would never work out at that intensity on my own. Thank you. :)

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Tracey January 24, 2013 at 12:44 pm

So hard not to compare in our culture. I’m bad about it too…always feel I could be bigger, better, stronger. :) You can only do the best you can do, right? I try and focus on where I was 2 years ago, 3 years ago. Truth be known, even the fittest among us are the most insecure. If you are fit you are worried about “staying fit” and if you aren’t there you don’t feel like you ever will be…It is human nature to fight insecurity and envy.

I use to worry if I would miss several days at the gym – like you I have learned that rest is important and it actually is protective. Having studied a bit on over training I’m learning that rest is just as important as the work out itself. I’ve cut from 5 days to 4 days and I’m spreading out my workouts too. I find I have far more strength taking that extra time to recover.
Tracey

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Addison January 24, 2013 at 12:56 pm

Thanks so much for writing this post! It’s always good to adjust our perspective and remember that everyone has insecurities. I know tons of women can relate to this post and I really admire you for sharing.

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TaylorR January 24, 2013 at 2:43 pm

Thanks Addison. SO right, everyone has insecurities, no one is 100% happy with themselves. If we were life would be stagnant because no one would have goals or expectations.

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Erica January 24, 2013 at 1:06 pm

Which trail run are you doing?? I was thinking of signing up for one in February. I think as a fitness professional, its hard not to think you’re not good enough/fit enough. GREAT post

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TaylorR January 24, 2013 at 2:42 pm

I am doing the Mountain In The Middle run. It is in Columbia, 17K! The weather looks like it will be about equal to the marathon morning so chilly. But the price was really low to sign up and it looks great for a first time trail runner!

Let me know when you decide on one.

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Samantha January 24, 2013 at 9:19 pm

I can relate to some of the things you mentioned today. I tried vegetarianism for 9 months, and sometimes I just wanted a piece of meat, but I didn’t for fear of what others would think of my decision. After a while, I just decided I have to eat what works for me, and now I feel like I’ve reached a good balance between eating vegetarian meals, and non-vegetarian meals (and I don’t get intense cravings anymore!)

I also understand the feeling of losing fitness if I miss a day of working out. I’ve been dedicated to the gym for about 13 years now, so going a day without is almost weird to me. However, since I started training for my first half marathon, I learned the rest is important, and I actually look forward to my rest days!

It took a lot of guts to put what you said out there, but you said what everyone else is thinking. I think putting it out there will possibly help you overcome and become more comfortable with some of the things you struggle with. And you know we are all here to support you, never think otherwise!

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TaylorR January 24, 2013 at 10:29 pm

Its refreshing to hear some one else with the same thoughts. Thanks Samantha. ANd yes, I agree I wrote this because of the idea that others feel the same too. We all want to appear like we have it all together, but we don’t.

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Kimi January 24, 2013 at 9:26 pm

Wow…thanks for sharing such a deep & personal post. We all have a mean, dark side and I think we women just beat ourselves up sometimes. I am so glad to have found “Taylor Ryan, Inc (lol, that includes Dan). I love that you love us and I appreciate what you do to help us love ourselves. Thank you for always pushing me to do more, be stronger. SERIOUSLY- I love Bootcamp! But you knew that! ([{HUGS}]).

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TaylorR January 24, 2013 at 10:28 pm

Thanks for the kind words Kim! We def do have our other sides. WHat we appear on the outside and what is going on inside are often very different. I am so blessed to have you as a friend! Thanks.

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Alyssa January 26, 2013 at 4:14 pm

Great for you opening up girlie! I have many of the same issues, but I think you’re super smart and fit and AWESOME! Keep up the great posts!

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